That's What She Said: The Things I've Learned in 34 Years

Monday was my birthday. The older I get, the more I despise birthdays. Sure, the presents are fun, but they don't make me any younger. This year rather than sinking into a pit of old-lady depression, I decided to grab my birthday by the short and curlies and make the best of it. In doing so, I compiled a list of things I've learned over the past 34 years.

1 ? I've learned not to read the nutritional info on packaged food. If you don't know how many calories there are, then it's calorie free.

2 ? I've learned the importance of never outgrowing sophomoric humor.

3 ? I've learned that carbohydrates are the motherfucking devil.

4 ? I've learned to accept my faults and label them as quirks.

5 ? I've learned that sports are boring.

6 ? I've learned that telling my brothers sports are boring will end up in a long (and also boring) lecture.

7 ? I've learned that books lie. Vampires don't really sparkle in the sunlight.

8 ? I've learned that one can survive on wine and coffee alone. Don't let your doctors tell you different. Also, don't sue me when you end up malnourished.

9 ? I've learned that everything you need to know about pop culture can be taught by "Gilmore Girls" reruns.

10 ? I've learned to never accept dates from men who own Ed Hardy clothing and coogi clothing.

11 ? I've learned that Guns N' Roses is a lifelong commitment.

12 ? I've learned that you don't have to ski to live in Utah. You have to hibernate.

13 ? I've learned that having hair doesn't always make men sexy. Enter Bret Michaels.

14 ? I've learned that Ambien is a gift from God.

15 ? I've learned that sunscreen is the only way to prevent looking like Hulk Hogan.

16 ? I've learned that pink is pretty, but black is slimming.

17 ? I've learned to trust myself.

18 ? I've learned boys don't actually have cooties. Who knew?

19 ? I've learned that cheap wine tastes great after four glasses.

20 ? I've learned that no matter how horrible I am, I'll always be a better person than the characters from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."

21 ? I've learned to tell people to suck it when they compare my looks to Brett Butler.

22 ? I've learned how to pick a lock with a Costco card.

23 ? I've learned that breaking and entering is a crime.

24 ? I've learned that expensive eye cream doesn't make you look younger.

25 ? I've learned the value of money. (See above).

26 ? I've learned that my pug has more personality than Nicholas Cage.

27 ? I've learned that Jenny McCarthy is full of shit.

28 ? I've learned that being stubborn has its consequences.

29 ? I've learned to be passionate about politics.

30 ? I've learned there are few things in life more important than being part of a loving family.

31 ? I've learned to surround myself with good and loving friends.

32 ? I've learned that skinny jeans don't always make you look skinny.

33 ? I've learned that knowledge really is power.

34 ? I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

The last item on my list is the most important one. It's true. I have loads left to learn, like how to mix a proper martini.

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